Y
ou don’t have to know The Way,
The Way knows The Way
You don’t have to Plan The way
Trust the Way
Feel your Way
The Way knows
The Way knows
The Way knows The Way.
—Song by Lindsay Scott
This song resonates with my year of riding the waves of life as an elder. “Riding the waves” is a term I coined in my memoir, A Midlife Voyage to Transformation, and it means being on top of the wave of yourself as you ride through the many ups and downs of the ocean of your life. Sometimes we fall off the top of the wave train and get washed under the waves, but we keep trying to stay on top, using our intention and connection to our deeper parts to find balance amidst the waves. The Intention of finding our “true self” again, however it appears, is the key to finding the top of the wave train again.
I’m finding my way into elder hood using this tool, because as I fall off the wave train over and over in my life and get all washed up, I have had so many opportunities to dive deeper into my “true self”. It’s been such a gift and it hasn’t stopped as I move into elder hood. This year has been all about learning how to be with the many joys and challenges of aging; ie, watching my loved ones work with their own aging, sickness and the promise of death, dealing with new asthma and sickness in my body, caretaking loved ones, learning how to listen and support (not fix or caretake) my 30-something son, and learning how to care for myself as much as I care for others. That’s been the biggest one! I am aware how much I give to others more than to myself and sometimes want to be acknowledged for my giving that isn’t realistic.
My journey into elder hood has been three years of searching for what I thought I needed—a clear plan or path. Choosing to let go of my retreats, my personal persona of therapist, retreat leader and coach for women in midlife was a start, thinking that opening space would allow something next to appear. But that was just it — I was looking for an outcome, a plan, a next something to appear that I could grasp or hold onto.
This year, I stopped trying to figure it out and grasping so much and instead I’ve been opening myself up to “not knowing.” This is a concept I learned as I have dropped deeper into Zen Buddhism and it means “learning to allow, even to welcome, whatever arises in us.” Bernie Glassman, is the creator of the Zen Peacemaker Order, a modern engaged Buddhist teacher/monk/priest/Roshi who I have learned about. He created this order and it has 3 main tenets: Not Knowing, Bearing Witness, Compassionate Action. This process of “not knowing” has been described by Nancy Mujo Baker (Opening to Oneness, 2022) as “stilling our minds and opening to our experience instead of interfering with it by adding analyses, judgments, excuses, and so forth so that we can discover things about ourselves.” This is called “bearing witness” not only to others, but also to ourselves, which is the second tenet of the Zen Peacemaker Path.
I could write a book on my experience this year as I have worked with “not knowing” and trying to “bear witness” to myself and others. First off, how do you explain to friends, relatives, neighbors, fellow climate activists that you are “retired” when you are more engaged and alive than most “retired” people in our culture? There is no guidebook for retirement, and believe me it’s a difficult transition to find the top of the wave train. There is no paradigm or role-modeling in Western culture and some of our religious traditions that helps us find the inner stability and awareness to live our later years with the fullest capacity of our humanness—to learn how to care for ourselves deeply as we decline. That’s why I have sought the deepening and training that Zen Buddhism allows me to discover within myself, but you have to take the plunge. As my Zen teacher says, “Just throw yourself into it!” When you open yourself up to all experiences, including especially your own aging and sickness, and try to move all judgment, stories, excuses, hurts and sufferings aside to feel the essence in your body; the possibilities are endless for personal growth and trauma healing, which naturally flows from the stillness and deep caring you give yourself as you practice these tenets. I wish I had discovered Zen Buddhism earlier in my life.
When Roshi Bernie was asked “What is Awakening?” he replied: Being always willing to learn, to be open to what comes to you….A willingness to “not know” or to not expect an outcome but to trust yourself, and a willingness to serve with what we have. The Zen path is about actualizing your wholeness now in the world. That means finding your “true self” as it opens to all that is life, moving aside what you are conditioned to do or think, so you can feel the larger realm of life.
The third tenet on the Zen Peacemaker Path is taking Compassionate Action. I’ve always been a doer and have always jumped in and taken action sometimes before I’ve carefully planned or thought through things. I liked to be spontaneous and courageous. However, I’ve learned through the years that this approach doesn’t serve me and more importantly, it sometimes causes unintended harm to others. “Unintended harm” is something to deeply consider. How do we cause harm and do we realize how often we are doing it by our actions? So, when we think of “compassionate action” we take into consideration many things — ourselves, the person or situation we are taking action on or with, and our intention. “Intention from the Buddhist perspective, is a mental factor that is directional and deliberate. Our intention keeps us moving in the direction we want to go; however our motivation might not be fully conscious,” says Roshi Joan Halifax in her paper, “Exploring the Power of Intention in the Cultivation of Compassion “(Upaya Newsletter 2023). Her definition of compassion is: “The intention and commitment to alleviate the suffering of others in a non-transactional way.” (2023)
The way I work with this is to use my mindfulness practice to help me sort and sift through my motivations for offering care to someone. I’ve stepped over the line often when I didn’t do this very well. For example, giving my son advice when he didn’t ask for it, or telling my older sister what I thought was the “right” way to deal with her aging, etc. I’ve stepped in it pretty deeply —and the mud came splashing back at me either directly from the loved one I was trying to “help” or from my painful awareness of what I was doing coming up from my hurting heart. I have learned through my healing journey that the capacity for compassion comes from being with my own hurting heart and listening deeply there first. But it’s hard to listen without self-judgment.
Then I studied Roshi Joan’s GRACE program where she teaches you how to deepen your own capacity as a human being through deep mindfulness practice to feel that humanness deep down—to somatically feel your “strong back, soft front” which exemplify 1)our capacity to finding attentional balance and wise attention, and 2) our unselfish intention to genuinely benefit others. Wise attention is supporting an intention that is free of self-interest. Attentional balance is mindfulness practice that helps you see your motivations in a loving embrace.
As I work with these concepts and practices, I have found more ability to find a compassionate response and sometimes (more often) it is not doing anything that is the most compassionate response.That has been a powerful teacher to one who has been so action-oriented in my life. This doesn’t mean I don’t speak about what I think. This means I often listen more with openness and curiosity both to myself and others, and if it is necessary or compassionate to speak, I try to do it in a skillful way.
As I continue on my retirement transition, I hope to share more nuggets of what I am finding helpful. I’d welcome your comments from you as you move through your own transitions and any tools you have discovered that are helping you.
